I’ve heard it’s said that having a child is like having an extra heart outside your body and control. As kids grow and make more of their own decisions, it becomes increasingly apparent that motherhood involves accepting a lack of power over the things we care about most. It’s easy to feel helpless in the face of real dangers like drug abuse, but moms do have influence and can draw on a wealth of advice from others who’ve gained wisdom from experience.
Perceptions about drugs — including the belief that parents approve and substances are safe — is among the top 10 risk factors for teen addiction, so frank conversation is necessary, even when kids appear to be supremely uninterested. Veteran moms stress the need to make disapproval of drug abuse clear and underscore the importance of including all psychoactive chemicals in the discussion. Katie, who shares her story on Heroes in Recovery, talked to her daughter about drugs and alcohol but says it never occurred to her to discuss prescription medications. Linda talks about her son’s addiction to kratom, saying, “Because of his one mistake, by picking up a legal, seemingly ‘healthy’ herbal drink and powder, he became so addicted that he lost it all.”
It’s easy for parents to look away and try not to see what they’re afraid to believe. If kids are abusing drugs, parents can ignore the signs and deny the extent of the problem. As Marybeth says, “Denial got me through the tough times.”
If an addiction develops, overcoming parental denial quickly is important, not only because addiction is a progressive disease but also because, while kids are under 18, their parents can authorize their treatment. Although it’s certainly a plus for patients to enter rehab willingly, the National Institute on Drug Abuse notes that treatment doesn’t need to be voluntary to be effective. Parents of young adults who can’t convince them to get help often express deep regret that they didn’t get it for them when they could.
When parents discuss their children’s drug abuse, one piece of wisdom pops up as persistently as dandelions in the spring. Tammy sums it up: “My advice to family and friends of the addict would be DO NOT ENABLE.” Enabling involves making a behavior easier to continue by protecting people from the natural consequences of their actions. Kids need to be protected from physical harm, but moms have a natural desire to protect them from other challenges as well. They may lie to bosses and teachers for them, give them money or help them into bed when they find them asleep on the floor.
Sandy says of her son, “For too many years I thought I was helping Joey. I thought I was doing my job by keeping him out of trouble, getting him out of trouble and believing his lies.” She adds, “My motherly love would need to be contorted and redefined. There’s nothing about this kind of love that feels good. But I’m not doing it for me. It’s not called Tough Love because it’s mean. It’s called Tough Love because it is tough to do.”
Their kids’ problems can become so consuming that mothers neglect their own well-being, and they warn others to avoid that trap. Katie speaks of being addicted to saving her daughter and of losing her joy and closeness to her husband in the process. She says, “When I began working and focusing on me, ironically that was when my daughter started getting better.”
It’s not easy to watch our kids face the world’s dangers while accepting that we can’t make their decisions for them. We can be on their team, though, and support them even in ways that don’t feel comfortable. Having a heart outside your body can double your worry, but, when it beats in sync with the one inside you, it can also double your joy.
By Martha McLaughlin
A writer for Skywood Recovery
You may feel entirely helpless. You may be completely heartbroken over what addiction has done to you and your family. But here, we firmly believe that everyone has the ability to recover. We believe it because we’ve seen real healing revive the lives and hearts of so many who were once hopeless and heartbroken.